Of course it's rare

Morning darklings,

Being chronically ill means things don't have to add up, they just hit. It means that things that add up quickly. It means that a beautiful afternoon with friends may end up feeling like a car accident. It means that even pacing isn't enough, I only have the control I have, and planning is a word that sounds good only in theory. It means that I can look one way—fine with a side of normal—and feel another—as if hell is manifesting in my core and a toddler is learning to play racquetball using my joints. It means that I may need a lot of sleep but the nightmares and dislocated joints see me sleeping as little as possible. And even if I can do something, maybe I shouldn't (and you all know how I feel about that word).

It means a lot of things.

I was wintering for a while, but I backslid to being the one who traveled then hurt and crashed at home while pretending I was doing fine. I did this, not because people demanded it of me, but because I like seeing my friends, I enjoy a good event, to be social, to stay connected, to avoid being forgotten. She get it from her trauma. But I could barely manage it.

The condensed thing of it all: I had a biopsy on my leg that turned out to be a very rare benign thing known to be painful and heal slowly if it's cut on, though the recommendation is that one does not do such. Alas, the derm I went to didn't know recognize it, so she did, and here we are—a month and a week out—still hurting and fighting off an infection at every turn. To top that all off, it's brought on fatigue and brain fog like I haven't had in ages. And thanks inability to walk across the room without wilting on some days, I've been forced me to admit that I can't lift half a gallon of milk safely anymore. Even when I'm feeling stable and not weak, carrying my laptop into another room subuxes my shoulder. It's been this way for a while. But, not wanting to be a burden, I ignored that fact and kept it to myself, asking for help only when it was going to be very hard. But two days ago my shoulder started fully dislocating again. So with no hyperbole in sight, I say that the strength I have needs to go towards keeping my body together.

As we move into Autumn weather, I often snuggle up with cocoa at home or do seasonal activities and see friends in a bundle of soft, warm fabrics. This year, the activities will be more carefully chosen than ever and my friends will need to meet me where I'm at, is all. I'm trying to stay in my curated space as much as possible, finishing my book, working on my art, talking collabs with people, and making sure that I've got my card game fully ready for late Spring—slowly, with a lot of breaks.

While I rest, I'd love to read comments, to chat, to connect (or reconnect)—just closer to home, in the comfort of my cute house clothes, with easy access to pain meds and a blender.

that being said

There are two few events outside of my home that can't be missed. Luckily, they should be fun.

Today and tomorrow I will possibly be vending with Sarah Walker at the HP Lovecraft Festival at Hollywood Theatre for a few hours thanks to the hubs driving me. As it stands now, I'll be there from 5:30 til 6:30pm tonight and 1-4pm tomorrow.

Check my Little Key Studio calendar should you want to stop by, as I'll keep the schedule up-to-date. *Because this did read I would be there until this morning. The fatigue is bad today, so it's also possible the only place I'll be is the bed.

Some of my miniatures will be showcased at the PNW Miniature Show October 16-18th! I will only be there for setup on the 16th, which is the preview night. But maybe go check them out sometime during the weekend? Take pictures of them in the world? Be amazed they exist? A day ticket is only $6. You may have seen them in We Used to Be Different, but it's totally different up close and personal.

in completely unrelated news

On a good day, I made the best sandwich I can recall having. I had to share it with you. Not because I made it, but because I was able to eat it. Truly made me want to open up a restaurant. But then I needed a day and a half of rest, so that thought was squashed quickly. Still, it was a great sandwich that I ate during one luxuriously long lunch in the backyard.

*EDIT: I forgot to describe the sandwich. It's white sweet potato, zucchini, queso, avocado, Swiss chard, red onion, and roasted garlic. 

oh, and when you have time

Check out Niyyah R Haqq's upcoming novella, The Veil! She wrote a story in Clocks in case you want to read more of her work as well.

Also, if you make zines, maybe submit it to Manawalker? It's a very cool pet project from a trusted publisher of Little Key Press' Katherine Quevedo, so you know they're cool.

Until next time, harness the Little darknesses and embrace the Little things.