Change, lost friends, and my birthday
The annual reflection and mood board
Morning darklings,
I feel a little more settled in my bones this week. The need to change everything around me has eased. Sitting still nears its usual difficulty, rather than the impossible itch that's been crawling through me since my medication got wonked.
When I look in the mirror, clothes that fit allow me to see myself a little more clearly. When I move from room to room, I smile at the art we've finally hung and the furniture we've collected from estate sales.
As if I'm a news anchor, I find myself saying, How is it June? to no one and everyone at every opportunity. Like, truly, though. It was just February. I was losing time, I was fracturing, I was on autopilot, I was doing Too Much. Since, it feels like it has been both a very long time and no time at all to get to the today of it all. Now, I'm a week away from turning 38—an age I often forget I'm not already.
But I know much has happened. I know because I've changed (as much as anyone can "change"). I know because I'm thinking about people I wasn't then. People I didn't have the bandwidth to think about. I'm doing things I didn't then. Things I didn't have the bandwidth to do then.
Over the last three years, many very important people to me have left my life in one way or another. Since I've started looking at life in a bigger scale—as in what do I want forever—these people have wandered in my thoughts. One left in a way so explosive that it's left me unable to eat solid foods. Two in a ways that were so quiet, I still don't know what happened. Another in a cacophony of moments that broke my heart and brain. Others in splashes or shakeups that took the wind out of me. Another I still haven't grasped It's probably why, after one hormonal shift, I'm thinking of these people again. I see the good in some, the bad in others, the nothing in others still. Some currently ache. Many still confound. One makes me cry regularly.
Over my lifetime, I've been many people. That comes with humans moving in and out of one's life. I've lost friends and co-workers and acquaintances and people who saw me as a threat or an enemy when I left jobs, when I changed activity habits, when I sobered up the first time and the second, when I escaped a toxic relationship and another, when someone left me, when I moved, when I changed mindsets, when I saw who I was when I was with them, when I saw who they were when they were with me, when we grew apart, when time passed without contact. Sometimes, these people came back around, but mostly they didn't.
Around my birthday, I often reflect on life, my year, how much I've changed or haven't, how I spend my time, you know, Big Things. Much like the end of the year, it's a good marker. 6 months in. This year, I've noticed trends and patterns from the last few years. I've seen how I allow myself to treat me and others to follow suit, how I have an unhealthy work-life balance, despite being a cheerleader for others to give themselves slack, how I don't see myself as I should. But also, I've seen how I show up for people, how I care, how I try to be myself all the time (no matter the consequences, which have been great on many occasions).
So, in true birthday share fashion, it's list o'clock. Also, you know there's a good mood board as well.
what I've been noticing
◗ I'm remembering my tea more
◗ I don't pick at my skin as much
◗ When I think of my losses, I can breathe through them / they are a part of my story, not the entire thing
◗ Healing from some things is possible, but getting cocky and jumping ahead a step throws me back fifteen
◗ I will not understand other people much of the time / that's fine, it's just unfortunate
◗ My creative space being finished didn't change my energy level / sometimes my expectations are too high
◗ Calm moments are close to the ecstasy of an orgasm for me / they often come through the scents of flowers and freshly brewed tea or coffee, the hubs neck after he comes in from the garden, the Smalls when they seek me out for a face rub
◗ When my mouth doesn't listen to my brain, I just have to admit that it's on a different journey and give myself slack I give others / I think we all know why
◗ No matter how much I have tried to recapture the feelings (and I have for others' sake), I am more comfortable and happy at home / aside from my churches—gardens and museums (I do hope that never changes)
◗ I have been looking forward to taking a break from publishing for a long time, and now that I have a small spell to do that, I have a small thing to share in the fall, but it'll be a website and library exclusive
◗ I'm truly excited to share more of me and advice to questions I get asked a lot in the coming months
◗ I finally don't feel awkward for choosing to paywall said content
◗ My inner critic has a little quieter lately
◗ I am craving new things all the time / so I'm about to test a really old camera to see if I can't play with film for a bit, alongside the miniatures and clothing and jewelry and other things
◗ I say no a lot more / no to going places, no to eating when I can't, no to doing more than I should, no to projects, no to setting aside my feelings for someone else
◗ I smile more
What's one thing you've noticed about yourself lately?
*It doesn't need to be groundbreaking, but I feel that unless we stop to take stock of it, we lose track, we forget to think about it, we don't see the change, we don't pat ourselves on the back (or we do too much and lose the thread of what still needs to be done).
and now, the annual birthday board
my hopes, my dreams, my feelings, my goals, my 37th year on this earth
my one and only hope for 38 is that I feel this often—not do... that would be insane.
Until next time, harness the Little darknesses and embrace the Little things.
